In the past few days (actually probably like past 6 hours) I really started to notice some things. So I’m sitting here and I just wanted elaborate on something I find really beautiful.. Every person has their own little like quirks and stuff to them. You know? We don’t always notice those things though.. In order for us to notice those things we have to care. In order to really notice things about a person.. The little things that no one else notices we have to really care. It goes beyond caring.

I just think that its such a beautiful thing.. You know, like sitting there and you recognize the way their smile forms across their lips because their lips have this small little movement to them and then BAM, the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.. When you can tell they’re distracted by something, but as soon as they look at you there is a change in their eyes.They get this little sparkle, and then a giant smile appears across their face. That same one that you noticed how their lips move when it’s formed. I think its beautiful when they turn bright red because of something you say that you think is actually really insignificant but the way they blush lets you know how much it means.

I think that is really beautiful.

I should be writing a paper for my theology class however, I really don’t feel like doing that so instead I’m making this post..This is a post that might make some of you mix up the idea of me and being with me.. Because literally this is a post of things I want to have the ability of in a relationship. I’m not sure if that is the best wording for that…But oh well. This is just going to prove that I’m a hopeless romantic.

I want to be able to be in a relationship where:

• I can make the person smile and laugh.. But they also can make me smile and laugh.
• Never be able to get enough of the person I’m with because they have such an intoxicating personality that I can’t seem to get enough.
• I want not just be with someone but feel wanted. And be able to make them feel wanted. Like put aside all the things that make it work to be able to say I still want to be with you.
• Write songs for the person.. I guess that would be another part of making them feel wanted… But I really just want to be able to show the person my appreciation for them.
• I want to have lazy days. Sweat pants hair tied chillin with no make up.. But most importantly cuddling and watching movies.. Especially because I never pull my hair up.. Unless I’m doing sports.
• I want to be able to hold hands and depending on the time the person play with my fingers.. Or maybe I play with theirs.
• I’ve always wanted to have a date while the sun is setting.. So that would be pretty cool.
• I’m really good at shoulder massages.. So I wouldn’t mind giving the person I’m with one.. 
• Hot Chocolate in the winter. Hot Apple Cider in the Fall (Or winter.. its my favorite) and Ice Cream and Sweet Tea in the summer.
• I want to make you a cheesy CD… And I’ll explain what each song means.
• I don’t expect perfection.. because there is no such thing as perfection. In order to fall in love with someone you have to fall in love with them for all their flaws. You have to accept them completely. This is really important because I have a lot of flaws and that’s going to have to be accepted.
• I have a ridiculous love for basketball and I almost hate myself (not literally) for quitting when I was younger. But I would love to go watch some basketball games… Or even have a one on one street ball game (but I’m terrible so..).
• I will never ever cheat. Like literally never ever. I’ve been cheated on and it kills.
• Lets be best friends. I want to be able to tell the person I fall for everything.. And for them to be able to tell me everything.
• I drive a truck..But I refuse to take it mudding.. But if you’re okay with 4 wheeling we can have some fun. :D
• I’ve never been horse back riding. But I adore horses, they’re so pretty. I want to go horse back riding so bad. Hint hint.
• If they’re sick I won’t care.. I want to kiss my boo. :D
• I’m still a kid at heart. I love going to the park, I love going out boating and I love going to the amusement park. I want to go roller skating and play putt-putt.
• I’m going to be protective. I hate to see anyone get hurt. So Imma keep my lover safe. I want them to feel safe in my arms, just as I want to feel safe in theirs.
• I’ll tell them how amazing they are everyday and make sure they know they’re beautiful.
• I want to know their hopes, dreams, goals, memories and fears.
• I’ll always send a “good morning” or “good night” text.. Even if the good morning one comes in late as I run late for school some days and might not get a chance to send it.
• I’ll text, call, Skype, do whatever I can. I’ll never ignore.
• I want to fall asleep in each other’s arms.
• I’ll randomly send texts just to make sure they know I’m always thinking of them.
• If there’s ever any tears they will be held close and those tears will be wiped away.
• I actually don’t have a high sex drive.. So I’m sorry. Everyone I’ve had anything with has wanted sex and I still own a Vcard.. so..I’m sorry I don’t whore myself out let alone want to do sexual things really..But I will say that may have to do with the fact that I view sex as something for someone in complete love.. You know.. When you want to give a part of yourself to someone else. You want to be a part of the other person. You want to become part of their soul.. But I mean, you have to settle for what is probably the most important part of the body because you can’t actually travel into the soul..If that makes sense?

That’s all that I’m going to post for now.. But like I said don’t get the idea of me mixed up with actually being with me. I know my own flaws and I know when I can be a lot to handle. But until you’re that person for me.. Those other things about me are irrelevant. If that stuff does seem like your likings then cool.. Feel free to get at me because even if it ends up and its not something that would work in a romantic sense.. I do love new friends. :D

Get at me followers.

I just want to point out that after this summer I told myself I was going to stand 100% on my own.. And now that I am where I am and I’m looking at how I look at other people, other peoples feelings. and even my own.. I am turning into one cold bitch. Literally I give no fucks about anything other than where I’m going with my life.

I came to this realization in the past 2 weeks that when it comes down to it.. All the people I have right now.. I don’t necessarily need. I mean.. They each have a little bit in them that reminds me of what broke me.. Who broke me. 

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And I know tumblr hates Nickelback, but my mom likes them. So, I have a couple songs on my ipod for her. But the song “Far Away” just came on. That should seem really irrelevant to everyone.. But over the summer I met someone really amazing.

And I try not to dwell on things. But let me speak for just a minute. I met someone who was completely perfect in almost every sense for me. The only problems really were distance and age. They turned 20 while we were talking. They go to school at NYU and were doing summer classes to get ahead for Pre-med. I spent a good month on this person. If you’ve ever seen the music video for Taylor Swift’s “I Knew You Were Trouble” she has a monologue at the start. Let me quote that right now..

“I think.. I think when its all over, it just comes back in flashes, you know. Its like a kaleidoscope of memories. It all comes back, but he never does. I think part me knew that the second I saw him that this would happen. Its not really anything he said.. or anything he did. It was the feeling that came along with it.. and.. crazy thing is I don’t know if I’m ever going to feel that way again.. But I don’t know if I should…..I knew his world moved too fast, and burned too bright.. But I just thought.. How can the devil be pulling you towards someone who looks.. So much like an angel when he smiles at you?..Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that worst part of it all wasn’t losing him.. It was losing me.”

Its basically everything I feel towards it now.. For the first time I experienced something that I believe full heartedly was whatever we call love. It literally all rushes back to me at once. The feelings, the memories.. All of that. The sweet things that were said, the way their laugh sounded, the way they said things just to watch my little jealous reactions, the things they noticed that no one else ever has.. It all haunts me now. 

I lost the person when I confronted them of a lie. A serious lie. But my confrontation was never me saying ” I found out the truth, I don’t love you now.” It never ever ever meant that. It was me saying, I love you, I want to protect you.. Just be honest with me now. And they couldn’t do that. Instead they got upset and just left. If they knew any better they would know.. I could easily get them in a shit load of trouble. Not only because I’m still technically under-age  but because of what the lie was. 

But now you’re probably wondering about the song “Far Away” and what it has to do with it all.. And honestly, it never really had anything to do with the relationship. I just happened to be sitting here and the song came on. Then I had that kaleidoscope of memories. 

But the song.. It’s right.

“I love you, I loved you all along. I miss you, been far away for far too long. I keep dreamin you’ll be with me and you’ll never go. Stop breathing if I don’t see you anymore.”

When it comes down to it.. I don’t know how to handle myself a lot of times. I never really have. I’ve been so close to doing some stupid things. And what I had over the summer. That person. That kept me calm for a while. What I had from that relationship.. I had a best friend. I literally had a person that did everything in their power to make things okay for me. The only person I’ve ever met that has been able to handle me crying. The only person I’ve told my deepest secrets to. And they were able to handle it, because they were so similar to me.. The person literally unstood the feelings I had. And when I brought up the one thing.. that I’ve only told them.. Instead of talking about it and dwelling on it.. They did what they knew was best.. And brought me on a different subject with the words “Shh Baby, lets not talk about such bad things on a good night. I love you. Its all going to be okay.” 

I literally could never have asked for a better person to have been with. The thing is.. now that they’re gone, I would literally give an arm just to have them back.

     I was just searching in the tags on here… and I found a couple of the posts that are thing of my past now. In every sense, because when people just drop you from their lives and don’t speak to you, things are all the past. Every piece of what you had. I’m not sure about everyone else, but I’m a really deep feeler, emotionally. It’s one of the worst things ever because it sets me up to get hurt so easily, but its so good for my song writing. And I’m also a super passionate person and a hopeless romantic because of it. As a hopeless romantic, when I fall for someone.. and I don’t mean the “I have a crush, they’re so cute” type of thing. I mean the “I love you and you make me so unbelievably happy” type of thing.. I don’t expect that to just come to an end, and I mean a complete end. 

     Right now, its not that I even have feelings for the person who made the two posts. It’s that I tried so hard to at least keep a friendship. It hurts to just be dropped like I never ever meant a thing in the first place. Because when I can look back and remember little things like the way the person smiled slowly and both eye brows went up whenever I did something stupid, the way their laugh sounded, and how 99% of the time they had to mess with their hair because “it looked bad” when it really looked fine.  When I can look back at things like that, little things like that, that I loved and they’re just leaving like I was nothing, I can feel that. I can feel being forgotten. That’s what hurts.

      And the fact that I basically have to go through it twice now. Not in the same way.. But still the sense of being dropped from someone’s life. Its one of the worst things ever.

      Changing the subject, not much, but a little, comes the subject of trust. I’ve been thinking a lot lately. There is so much on my mind, I probably won’t even go into all of it… but one thing is for sure, I talk more when I write. It’s the best form of therapy for me.  I don’t talk to people about things going on in my life that are so deep because I can’t. I guess that comes down to never having had any real friends, people that I trust with everything about me… or maybe it’s from being in a crowded room and still feeling alone. I always wonder what my life would be like if things were different for me. But.. In my life there have been 2 people I’ve felt really at trust with. One of those people was the person who made these posts.

      This person that left from my life.. I’m pretty positive I’ve completely lost. I’m not sure if that’s my fault or there’s. That doesn’t even matter really. Deep down, as much as I want to deny it, I’m hurting. Hurting more than any of you will ever know. It takes a lot for me to really care about a person. This was one of the few people I really cared for. I lost someone who could have been my best friend. I lost someone who I honestly, would’ve done just about anything I could have for. It sounds so much more sappier than I wanted it to sound. 

Like I said, I’m a deep feeler. I don’t know what made me feel the way I did.. or maybe I do. It could’ve been the way they said my name, the way they smiled, or the way I felt like the only people in the world were us when we talked. It could have been any of those reason, or something more. I’m not sure, but now it’s like I’m a crumpled up piece of paper.

     But its not like I’m unhappy. I am happy. I realize that, because there are so many things around me that make me happy. I have a group of amazing friends, maybe not the super close best friends that I trust with all my life, but still an amazing group of friends. I have an amazing family… for the most part. And I have a future that is so hopeful and goal oriented right now. At 17, I’ve finally realized what things make me happy. I’m ready to force myself to into doing things that I’ve always been afraid to do. I’m ready to try something new every day. I love meeting new people, that’s something I want to do. I want to meet new people, I want to hear their stories, and help them. I want to go to a new place, either New York or Nashville to achieve my biggest dreams and start brand new. I don’t care if I have to start at the very bottom to achieve what I want. I want to make a difference in peoples lives, do something that matters, and to make something of my life. And I want to meet someone that I can fall madly in love with over a cup of our favorite drinks. I want to actually get that career of my dreams, that way I can help my future significant other achieve all of their dreams. 

Its interesting I guess… Or maybe its strange how you can go from feeling unstoppable to completely ruined.. If that makes sense. I always tell myself, “don’t get attached”  This time is was a little different for me. 

See, over summer I fell completely head over heels with a lie. That is so cool. You all don’t even know. I’m over all of that now. Its a new day, a new story. 

See, I’m probably the best person ever at making how I feel about someone disappear because I don’t ever see where I truly have a chance with the person.. I met someone though. And I told myself over and over.. “Stop, don’t let yourself fall.” I guess this time it was a little easier to myself that, than to actually keep myself from falling. 

I have a lot going on between school, sports, and family. I’m not one to talk about it at all. I keep things to myself. Even when I’m in a relationship. I’m not the type to go around and flaunt anything. I like to be quiet. The more people who know things, the harder it gets the way I see it. Apparently that doesn’t work out so easily all the time.

I also guess my good friend Jarrod was completely right about things.. Seeing how he told me from the start “Be careful. You do see all the ways this can go wrong..right?” And you know, at the start I could. At the start I could because I thought it would just be a little bit of just a crush I guess. I didn’t ever think I would actually get real feelings. 

Then the skyping every single night occurred  You learn things about people. You notice little things about people, their favorite things, the way they act when they get irritable, what makes them smile… Those are the things that make you fall in love, they’re the little things, but the most important things. See, I could have the most attractive person on earth right now.. but not be in love at all, because they could have the shittiest personality, or maybe we don’t click. I kind of won in this situation. I got beauty and personality and a click. 

But I promise you all, I’m not a perfect person. I’ll never claim to be. I know all my weaknesses, down to what triggers me. I also know that if I use the word love with you, I’m not fucking around.

I recall during cross country, a friend asked me why when they tell me they love me, I don’t say it back. I always just say stuff like “Okay” or “cool.” I never say it back because I’ve never believed in it. I see love as a trick of chemicals in our brains. You know, its a temporary mental illness of sorts. Its not real. Its a way to get hurt. Really, really, really hurt.

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I find myself in an argument within myself. I guess its the heart vs brain type of thing.

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I’m really good at being picky about relationships and there’s really only been one person I’ve been completely at like thinking I was in love with.. And that person I got to them almost to a full. By that I mean, we had the deep talks, we had the intellectual talks, we were able to be stupid around each other, but who they were was a lie. That is a completely different story.. My point is that after that, I pretty much promised myself that I wouldn’t deal with getting that close to anyone ever again.

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I’m going to learn the song “Wanted” by Hunter Hayes on guitar. Oh and I’m going to incorporate it into a new song of mine.

I’m so glad I’ve gotten through my rough time I had. That was a really dark time for me. It’s made me a stronger person, a more accepting person, and a more loving person. All in all it made a me a better person. I learned to see beauty in absolutely everything and find good in everything. And I know a bit about what others may be going through. I admit sometimes it gets hard again. But I’m learning to push through it, and for the most part I’m doing great at that. So, now that I’m doing good, I’m glad I can look back and say I made it through that time, and maybe help someone else through something they’re going through.

Because I love you all. Even if I don’t know you. I love you.