I was just searching in the tags on here… and I found a couple of the posts that are thing of my past now. In every sense, because when people just drop you from their lives and don’t speak to you, things are all the past. Every piece of what you had. I’m not sure about everyone else, but I’m a really deep feeler, emotionally. It’s one of the worst things ever because it sets me up to get hurt so easily, but its so good for my song writing. And I’m also a super passionate person and a hopeless romantic because of it. As a hopeless romantic, when I fall for someone.. and I don’t mean the “I have a crush, they’re so cute” type of thing. I mean the “I love you and you make me so unbelievably happy” type of thing.. I don’t expect that to just come to an end, and I mean a complete end.
Right now, its not that I even have feelings for the person who made the two posts. It’s that I tried so hard to at least keep a friendship. It hurts to just be dropped like I never ever meant a thing in the first place. Because when I can look back and remember little things like the way the person smiled slowly and both eye brows went up whenever I did something stupid, the way their laugh sounded, and how 99% of the time they had to mess with their hair because “it looked bad” when it really looked fine. When I can look back at things like that, little things like that, that I loved and they’re just leaving like I was nothing, I can feel that. I can feel being forgotten. That’s what hurts.
And the fact that I basically have to go through it twice now. Not in the same way.. But still the sense of being dropped from someone’s life. Its one of the worst things ever.
Changing the subject, not much, but a little, comes the subject of trust. I’ve been thinking a lot lately. There is so much on my mind, I probably won’t even go into all of it… but one thing is for sure, I talk more when I write. It’s the best form of therapy for me. I don’t talk to people about things going on in my life that are so deep because I can’t. I guess that comes down to never having had any real friends, people that I trust with everything about me… or maybe it’s from being in a crowded room and still feeling alone. I always wonder what my life would be like if things were different for me. But.. In my life there have been 2 people I’ve felt really at trust with. One of those people was the person who made these posts.
This person that left from my life.. I’m pretty positive I’ve completely lost. I’m not sure if that’s my fault or there’s. That doesn’t even matter really. Deep down, as much as I want to deny it, I’m hurting. Hurting more than any of you will ever know. It takes a lot for me to really care about a person. This was one of the few people I really care
d for. I lost someone who could have been my best friend. I lost someone who I honestly, would’ve done just about anything I could have for. It sounds so much more sappier than I wanted it to sound.
Like I said, I’m a deep feeler. I don’t know what made me feel the way I did.. or maybe I do. It could’ve been the way they said my name, the way they smiled, or the way I felt like the only people in the world were us when we talked. It could have been any of those reason, or something more. I’m not sure, but now it’s like I’m a crumpled up piece of paper.
But its not like I’m unhappy. I am happy. I realize that, because there are so many things around me that make me happy. I have a group of amazing friends, maybe not the super close best friends that I trust with all my life, but still an amazing group of friends. I have an amazing family… for the most part. And I have a future that is so hopeful and goal oriented right now. At 17, I’ve finally realized what things make me happy. I’m ready to force myself to into doing things that I’ve always been afraid to do. I’m ready to try something new every day. I love meeting new people, that’s something I want to do. I want to meet new people, I want to hear their stories, and help them. I want to go to a new place, either New York or Nashville to achieve my biggest dreams and start brand new. I don’t care if I have to start at the very bottom to achieve what I want. I want to make a difference in peoples lives, do something that matters, and to make something of my life. And I want to meet someone that I can fall madly in love with over a cup of our favorite drinks. I want to actually get that career of my dreams, that way I can help my future significant other achieve all of their dreams.